Twitter

Monuments of your life,
validation of your existence,
that you were here, that you lived - 
they don’t belong in the ground,
on a shelf or in a museum.

Build your monuments
in the people you love
your actions, your deeds,
your dreams - and most of all,
build your monuments
in the seeds that you plant
and leave behind to grow,
to prove, to show us
that you were here. 

- I’m strong as fuck
- That empty train car? It’s empty for a reason. Stay away.
- Aimless walks with people watching can be more amusing than any sort of tourist trap nonsense
- Despite the fact I’ve fallen hard on my ass multiple times, I always find ways to pull myself back up and brush off the dust
- Don’t trust how deep you THINK a pile of snow is. It’s almost always deeper.
- Stand away from the side of the road on rainy days, unless you’d like a car to drench you in water as it goes through a puddle
- Eating at a restaurant with anything lower than an A rating is a dicey game to play where very few people will win.
- Talk to people. Go do shit. Put yourself out there. Make an idiot of yourself. There’s millions of people that live here, it’s fine to be foolish and idiotic before disappearing forever
- Take chances. Don’t be afraid of failure. You’re gonna fail a lot, so may as well have fun while doing it, yeah?
- The most beautiful place in the city is in DUMBO at sunset, looking over the view of Manhattan

I know a few people knew about Phi’s condition. In September, he was admitted to the hospital and underwent emergency surgery. They found cancer in his bowels and removed most of it, and he began chemotherapy in November to try and clean up the rest of it. But, we found out it had spread to his lymph nodes, but it hadn’t gone elsewhere in his body. We knew it was treatable, although not curable, so we moved forward, thinking we had more time. But that’s the fallacy. Everyone always thinks they have more time. 

I’ve been with this guy for three years. I’ve known him since I was 17. He was the one who helped me through some of the hardest periods of my life. He encouraged me to go to Russia, to finish my master’s degree, to trust others and love people again. We were going to grow old together, buy a house, have kids. 

Monday, Feb 5th, I’m getting out of work at 4 pm and I get a call from him and his mom. By 6 pm I have plane ticket in my hand and I’m on the way to London. The cancer had spread and his digestive system had shut down entirely. It was only a matter of time before the rest of his organs followed suit. He was in the hospital before for what was believed to be a minor infection and then found out it was the cancer that had spread. It was too much. It was inoperable. So he was transferred to hospice. I stayed with him every night. I held his hand. We talked about death, life, the world, everything. And then he died. Softly, quickly, like he slipped and gently fell to the ground.

I’m fucking devastated. He was supposed to have a good month because it was his 3 week break between chemo rounds. We were supposed to go to London and Edinburgh this summer. I was going to propose to him, and funny enough, he was going to propose to me this summer as well. But instead, this happen. One of the kindest, most gentle, understanding, sympathetic people I know is taken away from me and the world entirely.

The reality of it hits me every now and again. I’ll be doing something and I’ll forget. Then I’ll remember again and start sobbing. Time doesn’t feel linear. I’ll space out and feel like I’m floating above my body for a few hours, watching somebody else go through the motions of trying to pick up the pieces of something beautiful that has fallen apart.

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. I think I’ll have good days. I think I’ll have days when I feel slightly human. But no, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully okay again. There’ll be this weight in my heart because he was the one person in the world who truly understood me more than anybody else ever has. My heart hurts for not just losing what we had, but for the future we are no longer going to have.

I can’t even cry much any more because I feel like I’ve run out of tears.

God, fuck everything.

soljua:

reasons i haven’t replied back:

- i’m socially exhausted
- i don’t have the time right now
- i don’t know how to reply
- i have a bad memory and got distracted
- i’m having a depressive episode and don’t have the energy to socialise

not reasons i haven’t replied back:

- i’m ignoring you just because
- i hate you
- i’m fed up with you
- i don’t want to be your friend anymore

(via englishgradinrepair)